What's wrong with me? So many things.

To be completely honest with you I am having trouble finding any motivation to write this blog today. It just seems incredibly petty in light of the past few days. We’ve been too busy over the past weeks and I had apparently forgotten how much I hate being too busy. Our heater broke during the coldest season in years and UPS decided that my two day delivery should actually take two weeks so I spent $150 on diesel trying to keep our house at a reasonable level and prevent our pipes from freezing. I’ve crawled under other’s houses trying to help them with their pipes. Hannah and I photographed a wedding this past weekend and that was the first income we’ve seen since January 8^th.

All those things seem as nothing in light of the news we received yesterday. A former student of ours was informed that his young child will likely be taken within weeks by an aggressive brain tumor and a friend of ours passed away with no warning leaving behind two young children and a husband. Hannah and I both were in a kind of stupor yesterday trying to process it all. I realized something yesterday afternoon visiting with a friend; I find it much easier to process and cope with tragedy in my own life than in the lives of those I care about. I would rather shoulder the burden of pain and suffering on my own than to watch helplessly as it weighs down on those around us.

I’ve often questioned what one family can do to temper the cruelty of the world for those around them. We’ve learned new skills to offer aid to those in need. We’ve given as much as we could afford, and sometimes more. We’ve sat and talked and listened for hours and hours as those around us live through their tragedies and we’ve tried to silently walk our path alone afraid of being too much burden on the very same people we sought to aid in their times of trouble. At other times we’ve barricaded the doors trying to keep the bad things from entering into our tiny insignificant little lives in hopes that we could slip under the radar unnoticed and escape unscathed to no avail.

How do we process the emotions of tragedy when the knowledge of God’s promises stands opposed to them? Scripture instructs us time and again to command our emotions but even for the most disciplined among us we find ourselves mastered by the overwhelming power of emotion. It’s hard for me not to find emotions as my enemy and completely close the door on them, but then I’m reminded that even Christ experienced sorrow seeing the tear stained faces of those He cared about at Lazarus’ grave and suffered turmoil in the garden before the cross. I see that emotions are part of the human experience and God ordained for His purpose but I cannot understand the fullness of it. I struggle to find the balance of experiencing the gifts and blessings that can be had through emotions both joyful and painful, and not allowing them to overwhelm me and dictate my reality.

This weekend Hannah and I are serving as co-hosts at a marriage retreat for families with special needs. Specifically, this retreat is for couples who are in ministry and have special needs families. I find myself woefully under qualified to offer anything of merit, especially considering we are still pretty young and our journey is far from complete. Faced with the tragedy of friends I am left with nothing. I only stand and offer whatever I may have to offer knowing fully that nothing I possess is of any consequence in the situation. I am then reminded that those who have strengthened us the most over the years are those who have done little more than stand alongside us through heartache and pain. They’ve offered a sympathetic ear and encouraging words (or a gentle rebuke). They’ve offered reprieve from the gravity of life with humor and the distraction of greater matters.

I find that the more I recognize how little I truly have to offer the more effective I become in offering something of true worth to those in need. The human being is a wonder to behold and a mystery beyond the explanation of the most gifted minds. We were created with a need for one another. Left to our own devices we can completely redefine reality with our own minds and be lost in it. People, friends, family, and acquaintances keep us grounded in the reality that exists beyond our perceptions. They challenge us, aid us, hurt us, heal us, strengthen us, and crush us; but they remind us that there is more. There is always more.

Join with me in lifting up our friends who are enduring tragedy. Pray for strength for a father who is left without a helpmate raising his children. Beg for miracles in the life of a young child who is standing strong despite the disease that is killing him. Lift up the husbands and wives who have a burden beyond comprehension in their homes but still choose to give sacrificially by serving in ministry. When it comes down to it we all have very little to offer in the grand scheme of eternity, but the good news is that we have the ear of the One who has everything to offer.