There are instances in my life that are such grand, spectacular failures that I wish nothing more than to go back and relive them in order to change my actions and therefore the outcome. Those same failures are the ones that have forced and inspired such personal growth that I cannot help but recognize their crucial role in shaping me into the man I am today. My regret is only that in order for me to grow up those around me must suffer such pain and frustration at my hands. I long for the wisdom that comes from experience and failure without the consequences and I’m reminded of cake, keeping it and eating it too….
One night I sat in the front room of our construction zone of a house with my wife, her younger brother and his wife and set myself to the task of ruining relationships and making an absolute fool of myself. The content of the conversation was as petty as you could possibly imagine and relatively unimportant. I escalated the argument. I forced the issue. I wouldn’t let it go. I challenged the character of people I love and respect. I did it all with a composed outward appearance and held my head high because I didn’t let my emotions get the best of me, or so I was able to convince myself. I exalted myself and my ideals while I sought to tear down my opponents. I conducted myself in every manner I have come to despise and did it with all the self-righteousness of a deity. Sitting there in that moment I could not comprehend how anyone could be so foolish not to see the truth and wisdom in my points. What I failed to see in all my wisdom and knowledge was how deeply I was hurting those I cared about. One could argue that there that night I didn’t care about them, but only myself and I could offer no refute. I chose myself over everyone else.
I put Hannah up against an impossible situation. She was torn between love and loyalty to her husband and love and loyalty to her brother. I was livid that she wouldn’t back me in my points. I’ve listened to couples speak with pride and insistence that their partner is supposed to support them even when they’re wrong. Fortunately my wife loves me too much to sit idly by and watch me make a fool of myself. She never called me out about that conversation because at the time I would have never tolerated it. I would have belittled her and told her that it was her role to support and follow me, not offer critique. I would have treated her like she was nothing. She loved me through it. She gently guided me into the truth of how ridiculous I was being. She softened my spirit through love and compassion in the face of the grizzly, angry, vengeful man I was.
We all walked away from that conversation that night doing our best to act like adults. We tried to let it end on a peaceful note, but the damage was done. I was filled with bitterness and malice towards those I loved and they were hurt and offended, and rightfully so. It wasn’t long before the stress of it all became too much for any of us to bear anymore. Work was not as prevalent as I had hoped and so money was tight for all of us. The stress of being separated from one another at my hand was becoming too much for Jacob and Lindsey and finally the situation warranted that they move back to MO while he began searching again for a position in student ministry. I wondered how I would go back to working by myself. I fearfully faced the reality that without Jacob I would have to go back to leading worship and preaching on Wednesday nights. I wondered how Hannah and I would manage two homes 50 miles apart. I understood that it was really the best option considering all the circumstances, but I struggled with the selfish loss that their absence would bring. Before Thanksgiving they were all packed up and on their way back home.
Years later, I see how God used all the mistakes and pain to work things out for a greater purpose. Fortunately those two who I love dearly were Godly enough to forgive me my trespasses and welcome us back into their lives. We’ve been blessed to grow closer to them in spite of the distance than we ever were before. Jacob is, with only the exception of Hannah, the best friend I have in this world. Lindsey and Hannah share an uncommon bond as mothers and wives and ministers and sisters. It’s an abnormally busy week if we don’t converse with one another several times during the week about everything from life in general to ministry to video games or TV. We try to make it to their current town at least once a year to spend a week with them and we’d do more if time and finances allowed for it.
It’s so incredible to see God’s faithfulness beyond my failures. It’s wonderful when His people choose to embrace His forgiveness towards those who have wronged them. I’m incredibly grateful for Jacob and Lindsey Adams in our lives and the incredible blessing they have been to us over the years. I don’t express that enough. I hope that I am not the burden and project I’ve always been. I believe I’ve learned a thing or two over the years and I hope to share it with those around me. So as I sit here chewing on my foot I offer great thanks to them because if you can’t express your gratitude, are you really that grateful in the first place?
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