Best of the best of the best sir... with honors.

Tomorrow we have a parent teacher conference scheduled at the boys’ school. I’m not entirely sure what to expect. There are a few things that have come to light recently that are cause for concern for Hannah and I. This isn’t at all the first time we’ve had to stop and reevaluate what we’re doing with and for the boys in order to ensure that we’re providing the best environment for them.

If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times, “Stop picking your nose.” That’s not really relevant, but we’ve said it a lot. Another thing we’ve said a thousand times is, “We don’t have to have the boys in the most cutting edge and advanced facility or program as long as we know without a doubt that those who are providing their care love them.” The thing is, as long as the environment that they’re in poses no threat to their physical, intellectual, emotional, or spiritual well being we know that they have the opportunity to grow if they are under the care of someone who has Andrew and Joel’s best interest in mind. Hannah noted recently that is it beyond her comprehension why people who do not enjoy serving others would choose to enter a field that is service based. We’ve all had that server at the restaurant that makes it obvious to everyone within earshot that they hate their job. It seems like more often than not we end up with the nurse who shows nothing but disdain for our child and our family for the inconvenience we’ve brought to their work day by showing up ill and in need of assistance. Those individuals are not the ones that we want taking care of our kids day in and day out for years at a time. It is far more important to us that the provider be genuinely concerned for the well being and progress of Andrew and Joel. When they aren’t its obvious. Fortunately when they are it’s also obvious.

We look for the therapists, teachers, doctors, etc who make an effort to get to know our family and invest in us. Those whose conversations extend beyond the normal polite chit-chat and into deeper territory are the ones who are still a part of our lives even if it isn’t in a professional capacity any longer. We look for individuals whose core values resemble our own and whose personality traits are ones we would like to see emulated in our boys. It’s important to realize that, with the exception of Hannah and me, the boys spend more time with their teachers and therapists than anyone else. It only makes sense that we would choose those who will care for and teach our boys the way we would want them cared for and taught. It’s easy to overlook the importance of choosing who we invite to join us on our journey through autism, but it’s also easy to forget that we even have a choice. Hannah and I must constantly remind ourselves of both the responsibility and honor that we have in raising two boys with special needs and one extraordinary little boy with a set of needs all his own. It’s so easy to fall into a rut (especially when there are two schedule Nazis living in your house). It’s easy to find something that works and be absolutely terrified of moving on because moving on means fighting some of the same old battles you’ve fought a million times before. It’s easy to let familiarity become mediocrity and I don’t know about you but my dream for my children was never for them to grow up to be perfectly mediocre.

It’s also easy to lose sight of your child in your quest for the perfect cure or program. We’ve known several parents whose advocacy for their children has broken down walls and opened doors for others in the special needs community and the one who suffered the most through the war was the child they set out to help in the first place. We decided long ago that our boys always came first. There have been some battles that I desperately wanted to fight. There have been people I wanted to obliterate for their treatment of my children. But each time I had to step back and look at a few things. Was I looking for vengeance or justice? Would it cause more harm for the boys if we fought this or forgot it and moved elsewhere? I’m not sure I’ve made all the right decisions in some of those situations, but we only did what we felt was most honoring to God and beneficial to our boys. I’m not at all saying that you should never fight for your child. You should always fight for your child, but you should just be very mindful of what battles you choose to engage in.

I feel that I should mention that those who might not offer your child the best situation may not be grumpy and mean. We’ve had some absolute trolls that we’ve dealt with over the years, but there have also been a few wolves in sheep’s clothing. I’m not trying to feed the paranoid delusions that are common among parents with special needs children (come on folks, you know we’re all pretty neurotic if your honest with yourself). I am simply making the point that just because someone believes that they care doesn’t mean it’s true. After all, I like to believe that I’m an exemplary parent…