Happy Birthday to me.

29 years ago today I was born. 13 years ago today I got my driver’s license and had to borrow my granddad’s pickup for the driver’s license celebratory drive since my parents wouldn’t let me borrow one of their vehicles. 9 years ago today I had moved across the country and was less than a month away from marrying a girl I had known only 7 months. 3 years ago today I preached my first funeral. 1 year ago today I missed my dinner plans with friends in order to spend the day breaking a borrowed ATV trying to fix fence posts that had burned while helping my parents' new business get off the ground. Today I get to start leading worship for a local youth group during their Wednesday night services.

On January 26^th, 2008 I stood at a graveside service outside a small panhandle town looking at a group of people and I knew that I had absolutely nothing to offer. When I was a teenager and felt God calling me towards a life of vocational ministry one of the things that held me back was a crippling fear of preaching at a funeral. There I stood years later facing my demons in a very real way. Not only was I preaching a funeral on my birthday, it was my uncle’s funeral. He suffered a tragic death far too early in his life and my family asked me to perform the graveside service. I stood there in one of the two suits that I own looking into the eyes of so many that I love and care deeply for and the pain was suffocating. I was woefully incapable of offering all of the things my heart longed to provide. I had the words in front of me in my notes, but somehow they were so incomplete in that moment when only a few hours before I had deemed them whole and right. I finally opened my mouth and just let words fall like rain from a cloud. I am usually a very calculating and intentional person, but in that moment I knew my only hope was to surrender all and pray that God would use it to His glory. I don’t remember what words came from my mouth, but I remember that afterwards I was showered with gratitude from those I had felt so inadequate to aid only moments before. I listened to loved ones offer encouragement and commendation for the service and thought to myself, “How do you respond when someone says, ‘That was incredible’ after a funeral service? How do you respond when you don’t even remember what you said?” I stumbled my way through the next few minutes trying my best to offer proper response and project a calm, confident demeanor but I was truly beyond myself that day. I was deeper than I could swim and struggling.

I’m actually grateful that for the rest of my life my birthday will remind me of a tragic day. I am not grateful for the tragedy, but I am grateful for the way my family came together. I am grateful for the way I was used far beyond my ability. I am grateful that on the only ‘me’ day of the year I get to be reminded of my grandmother who lost a son, my mother who lost a brother, my cousins who lost a father, and many more who lost someone very special to them and I can taste my love for them just a little bit more on this day. I can hurt deeply and purely for the loss we shared together and know that our bond is a little stronger each time I experience it again.

I debated with myself about sharing this story because I do not want to make light of a weighty situation, but the fact remains that this story is a part of my life. It has shaped me and changed me and helped to make me the son, husband, father and friend that I am. I only wish to offer a story that brings people together and shares the glory of our King. I want my ‘me’ day every year to be a day that when everyone looks at me I find a way to show them Someone and Something better. On this day my prayer for each of you who read this is that you would find yourself, in this moment, in the presence of Christ our King and experience Him in a new and earth shattering way. Happy birthday to me.