As this post goes up we’re driving to St. Louis. I was asked pretty last minute to lead worship for a friend’s weekend discipleship event. Our family currently attends at least 3 different churches every week. I lead worship in different capacities at 2 of those churches. There are 3 or 4 other churches in our area that I serve at about once a month leading worship for their Sunday morning services. I was reflecting with my brother-in-law the other day about how I found myself in this position. I never wanted to be a worship leader. I never set out with that goal in mind.
All through elementary school and jr. high I enjoyed choir. I held the lead part or a solo in every school music production. I also sang soprano. When I was about 12 though my voice changed, and it changed drastically. I went from a squeaky little voice to a pretty deep voice. I’m no Barry White, but I have a fairly deep voice. I distinctly remember the day I fell from my high position within the Sanford-Fritch Junior High Choir when the teacher approached me one afternoon and said, “Jeremy, I’ve noticed you’ve had a little trouble controlling your voice since it changed. Have you ever considered band?” That was the last time I sang in front of anyone for years. I didn’t move to band. I just dropped those electives and moved to computer classes. I didn’t explore anything musical until late in my high school years when a buddy of mine picked up a guitar. Three months later he was a more talented guitarist than I will ever be. I watched him and though, “I’d love to do that.” I went home and grabbed my Dad’s Tijuana special with the sunbust finish and the broken neck and discovered I stood no chance of being a musician. Years later at about 22 I was married and broke. Hannah had a nice little Alvarez acoustic and I decided to teach myself to play guitar. I was horrible. When I tell that story to people today they always giving me that knowing look that says, “Yeah sure you were terrible.” That’s when I rely on Hannah to back my story by telling how funny it was that I’d come running downstairs to say, “Listen babe! I found a new strum pattern!” Only to play the same old thing, just a little faster. She’d laugh inside and say in her most patronizing voice, “Yeah babe. That’s great.” I played nearly every day for hours for four years before I ever played in front of anyone but Hannah. I refused to play in front of anyone until I felt I was at a level that was anything more than wholly embarrassing.
Several years later I found myself a youth pastor at a small church. There were no students who showed any inclination towards learning to lead worship and I’ve never really liked the idea of worshipping to canned CD’s. I faced the reality that if we were going to have live worship it was going to come from me. Sitting upstairs in our youth room one Wednesday night I pulled out my guitar and played three short songs and sang (for real) in front of a group of people for the first time since the conversation with my choir teacher.
I started praying that God would grant me enough talent that I wasn’t a distraction, but not so much that it was a distraction. I worshipped behind people who struggled so much through their set that you couldn’t sing along. I watched musicians who were so talented that I spent the entire set watching in amazement instead of actually worshipping the King. I never aspired to be either.
So here I find myself in a place where 95% of my public ministry is playing music in front of people. I’m insecure about it. I know what my talent level is, and it is nothing extraordinary. Each time I stand in front of a group I close my eyes and pretend I’m the only person in the room. I don’t perform. I cannot perform. The sets over the years where I have tried to be anything other than a genuine worshipper have always ended in utter catastrophe. I obsess over equipment. I have 9 guitars. I built a custom pedalboard that is housed in a rolling case that lifts out and has padded storage for all my microphones and cables and accessories. I have two full sound systems that are regularly on loan to churches or other organizations who have need of them. I devote 15-20 week practicing, learning new songs, building sets or powerpoint for worship. And I still don’t consider myself a worship leader. I struggle with the idea of being pigeon-holed in the image of the ‘typical’ worship leader.
Musicians in general tend to be showmen. I understand that, it comes with the territory. Worship leaders, unfortunately, are often musicians (I know, odd right?). Far too often worship leaders tend to have a reputation for being a little too much a musician and a little too little a worshipper. I never wanted to be that. I remember sitting in a worship service one where the little teenage girls screamed out in between songs, “We love you (insert band name here)!” “I love you too random citizen.” I remember thinking, “This is not worship at all. This is just a concert using church songs.” I resolved in that moment to never participate in something like that.
I’ve led worship bands and had conversations with dozens of worship leaders over the years and I have observed pride to be the single biggest obstacle to true worship in the American church. I cannot speak to the rest of the world because my experience limits my perception. Often times music leaders will get too full of themselves to see how much of a distraction they are. There’s such a battle within many churches about the style of music that they choose to use that the focus of the worship is completely lost in the fray. I run sound for worship bands where I had to fight with each musician who sought for their instrument or vocals to be louder and more easily heard. I have fought with sound technicians whose sound booth was their domain in which they were the sovereign king.
Where does that lead me? Do I ever struggle with feeling like a rock star standing in front of a large group as they sing along to a worship song I wrote? I’d be lying if I said no. Do I love doing it? Absolutely. Do I love the attention that comes with it? Absolutely not. Back to my conversation with Jacob, he offered me some real wisdom and perspective in the matter. I’ve always prayed that God would use me, waste me for His purpose, in whatever avenue he chose. I’m seeing that now. God is using me to do something a little different in worship. I long to preach and teach and study, but right now He is using me to lead people before His throne, and what kind of worshipper am I if I do it begrudgingly?
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